Ferris Bueller's Day Off
by
John Hughes
SHOOTING SCRIPT
July 24, 1985
"FERRIS BUELLER'S DAY OFF"
1 BLACK SCREEN 1
MAIN TITLES
IT'S SILENT. A BEAT...AND AN EXPLOSION OF SOUND. A HOUSEHOLD
IN THE MORNING. KIDS GETTING READY FOR SCHOOL. CLOCK RADIOS.
KITCHEN APPLIANCES. SHOWERS. FIGHTING. PEOPLE YELLING. DOG
BARKING. APPLIANCES BUZZING. CAR HORNS. IT SOUNDS JUST LIKE
YOUR HOUSE DID. STREAMS OF ROCK'N ROLL FADE IN AND OUT. HUEY
LEWIS TO LIONEL RITCHIE TO HUSKER DU. SURROUND MAKES IT FEEL
LIKE YOU'RE IN THE ROOM. AN AURAL TOUR OF A HOUSE ON A
SCHOOL MORNING. BEGINING IN THE KITCHEN AND MOVING UPSTAIRS.
FATHER'S VOICE (TOM)
Where's my wallet?!
SEVEN YEAR OLD BOY (TODD)
YOU IDIOT!!
TWELVE YEAR OLD GIRL (KIMBERLY)
MOM!
TODD
SHUT-UP!
EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD GIRL (JEANIE)
I NEED A TOWEL!!
TOM
JOYCE!
KIMBERLY
(whispers, sadistic)
When you turn ten, your head's going
to swell up real big like a watermelon
and we're going to have to put you
to sleep like they do with a dog.
TODD
MOM!
TOM
JOYCE!!
JEANIE
WHO PISSED ON THE TOILET SEAT!? MOTHER!!
TOM
Where's Mom?
TODD
Is my head going to swell up?
TOM
What?!
JEANIE
OH, MY GOD! THE TOILET PAPER'S ALL WET!!!
MOTHER (JOYCE)
(screams)
TOM!
The house falls dead SILENT. We hear footsteps thundering
through the house. A TENSE STRAIN OF MUSIC FADES UP.
TODD
What's that?
KIMBERLY
Wait! Hold still!
TODD
What?!
KIMBERLY
You heads starting to swell up!!
Todd screams. We hear the sound of Tom's footsteps running
through the kitchen, down the hall, up the stairs, up the
hallway. A door open.
TOM
(breathless)
What's the matter?
JOYCE
(worried)
It's Ferris!
TOM
What's wrong?
JOYCE
(snaps)
What's wrong? For Christ's sake!
Look at him!
2 CLOSE-UP. FERRIS 2
An eighteen year-old boy. He's staring lifelessly at CAMERA.
His mouth's open. His eyes are bugged-out. His tongue is fat
and dry in his mouth. He's laying in bed, on his side.
3 INT. BOY'S BEDROOM 3
Ferris' parents, TOM and JOYCE BUELLER are standing at
bedside. They're in their late forties, early fifties.
Handsome, upper-middle class parents. They're both dressed
for work.
TOM
Ferris?
JOYCE
He doesn't have a fever. But he says
his stomach hurts and he's seeing spots.
4 CLOSE-UP. FERRIS 4
His lifeless eyes blink.
5 INT. BEDROOM. PARENTS 5
Tom bends down and touches Ferris' forehead.
TOM
What's the matter, Ferris?
JOYCE
Feel his hands. They're cold and clammy.
Tom takes one of Ferris' hands.
TOM
(discreetly)
Should you call the doctor?
JOYCE
(whispers)
He doesn't want me to.
TOM
Why don't you want Mom to call
the doctor?
Ferris exhales loudly. He tries to speak but all he can
manage is a choked gasp.
TOM
What?
Ferris tries again.
FERRIS
(raspy)
Don't make a fuss. I'm fine. I'll get up.
He starts to get up. Joyce gently pushes him back down.
FERRIS
I have a test today. I have to take it.
I want to get into a good college
so I can have a fruitful life...
JOYCE
You're not going to school like
this.
(to Tom)
Maybe I should call the office and
tell them I won't be in.
FERRIS
I'm okay, Mom. I feel perfectly...Oh, God!
He's gripped by a seizure. His body stiffens and he chokes.
His older sister, JEANIE, walks into the room. She's dressed
for school. She's cute and stuck-up. A major pill.
JEAN
Oh, fine. What's this? What's his problem?
JOYCE
He doesn't feel well.
JEAN
Yeah, right. Dry that one out
and you can fertilize the lawn.
TOM
That's enough, Jeanie.
JEANIE
You're not falling for this, are you?
Tell me you're not falling for this.
FERRIS
Is that Jeanie? I can't see that
far. Jeanie?
JEANIE
Pucker up and squat, Ferris.
JOYCE
(annoyed)
Thank you, Jeanie. Get to school.
JEANIE
(angry, defeated)
You're really letting him stay home?
I can't believe this. If I was bleeding
out my eyes, you guys'd make me go to
school. It's so unfair.
FERRIS
Please don't be upset with me, Jeanie.
Be thankful that you're fit and have
your health. Cherish it.
JEANIE
(to herself)
Oh, I wanna puke.
She glares at Ferris. Her eyes are mascara and vengence. She
slips out of the room. Ferris' brother, TODD and sister,
KIMBERLY peek into the room.
KIMBERLY
Myocardial infarction?
JOYCE
Get your stuff. Daddy'll be right
down.
KIMBERLY
Syphilitic meningitus? That would be
a huge family embarrassment.
TOM
Get downstairs!
KIMBERLY
If he dies, I got dibs on his stereo.
She turns sharply and exits.
TODD
(worried)
Dad? Does my head look alright?
JOYCE
Get downstairs! Now!
TODD
Just answer me one question! Is it
swelling up? Kim said it was going
to get as big as...
KIMBERLY (OC)
A WATERMELON!
TODD
(yells out the room)
Shut-up!
JOYCE
Get downstairs! NOW!
Todd backs out of the room.
FERRIS
I'll be okay. I'll just sleep.
Maybe I'll have an aspirin around
noon.
JOYCE
(to Ferris)
I'm showing houses to the family
from California today but I'll be in
the area. My office'll know where
I am, if you need me.
TOM
I'll check it with you, too.
FERRIS
It's nice to know I have such
loving, caring parents. You're
both very special people.
6 CU. FERRIS 6
He acknowledges Tom with a pathetic flutter of his eyelids.
7 INT. BEDROOM. JOYCE 7
She strokes Ferris' hair.
JOYCE
I hope you feel better, pumpkin.
She leans down and kisses his forehead. Tom pats his
shoulder.
TOM
Get some rest.
8 CU. FERRIS 8
Ferris lets out a wheeze. His glassy eyes follow his parents
to the door.
JOYCE (OC)
We love you, sweetie.
TOM (OC)
Call if you need us.
They close the door. The lock clicks. Ferris' eyes shift
from the door to CAMERA. A sly, little smile crawls across
his lips.
FERRIS
They bought it.
The MTV theme music ROARS IN.
9 CU. TV SCREEN 9
The TV at the foot of Ferris' bed. The MTV logo is playing.
10 INT. BEDROOM 10
Ferris yanks open the drapes. The pall of the sickroom
disappears in the brilliant glow of morning sunlight.
FERRIS
Incredible! One of the worst performances
of my career and they never doubted it
for a second.
(looks out the window)
What a beautiful day!
He turns from the window.
FERRIS
Parents always fall for the clammy hands.
It's physical evidence of illness. It's
a good, non-specific symptom. Parents are
generally pretty hip to the fever scams.
And to make them work you have to go a hundred
and one, hundred and two. You get a nervous
mother and you end up in a doctor's office
and that's worse than school.
He flips on his stereo and fills the room with the MTV
broadcast. A NEW SONG begins.
FERRIS
Fake a stomach cramp and when you're
doubled over, moaning and wailing, just
lick your palms. It's a little stupid
and childish but then so if high school.
Right?
He equalizes the sound a little.
FERRIS
This is my ninth sick day with semester.
If I go for ten, I'm probably going to
have to barf up a lung. So, I absolutely
must make this one count.
He exits into the hallway.
11 INT. BATHROOM 11
Ferris walks into the bathroom. It's littered with Jean's
debris. He turns on the shower water.
FERRIS
I don't care if you're fifty five
or seven, everybody needs a day off
now and then. It's a beautiful day.
How can I be expected to handle
high school?
He bends down OUT OF FRAME as he loses his briefs. He pops
up.
FERRIS
I do actually have a test. That wasn't
bullshit.
He steps into the shower. Through the pebbled glass of the
shower door we see Ferris' outline.
FERRIS
That I care about it was.
12 INT. BATHROOM. SHOWER STALL. 12
Inside the shower. Ferris' hair is standing straight up.
It's moulded into a fin with shampoo.
FERRIS
It's on European socialism. I mean,
really. What's the point? I'm not
European. I don't plan to be European.
So, who gives a shit if they're socialists?
They could be fascist anarchists and it
still wouldn't change the fact that I
don't own a car.
He turns the shower head around and uses it like a
microphone.
FERRIS
(sings)
WELL SHAKE IT UP, BABY,
TWIST AND SHOUT...
13 INT. HALLWAY. LATER 13
Ferris comes out of the bathroom with a towel wrapped around
his waist. He's drying his hair with another of a different
color.
FERRIS
Not that I condone fascism. Or
and "isms". "Isms", in my opinion
are not good. A person should not
believe in an "ism". He should
believe in himself. John Lennon
said it on his first solo album.
"I don't believe in Beatles, I
just believe in me." A good point
there. Afterall, he was the Walrus.
He opens a linen closet and tosses the towel in it.
FERRIS
I could be the Walrus and I'd still
have to bum rides off people.
He passes CAMERA and goes into his room.
FERRIS (OC)
I'm not very political? Let me
put that into perspective...
14 INT. BEDROOM 14
Ferris tosses the towel he's dried hair with on the bed.
FERRIS
My uncle went to Canada to protest
the war, right? On the Fourth of
July he was down with my aunt and he
got drunk and told my Dad he felt
guilty he didn't fight in Viet Nam.
So I said, "What's the deal, Uncle
Jeff? In wartime you want to be a
pacifist and in peacetime you want
to be a soldier. It took you twenty
years to find out you don't believe
in anything?"
(snaps his fingers)
Grounded. Just like that. Two weeks.
(pause)
Be careful when you deal with old
hippies. They can be real touchy.
He opens his door.
15 INT. CLOSET 15
The door opens and Ferris rifles through his shirts.
FERRIS
My mother was a hippie. But she
lost it. She got old. If she listens
to the White Album now? She doesn't hear
music, she hears memories. Nostalgia is
her favorite drug. It'll probably be
mine, too. I hope not.
He finds a shirt he likes. He steps back from the closet and
puts it on. He drops the towel.
16 INT. BEDROOM 16
He walks across the room to his dresser. He opens his
underwear drawer. There's an old model of a submarine on the
top of the dresser. He picks it up.
FERRIS
In eighth grade a friend of mine
made a bong out of one of these.
The smoke tasted like glue.
He pulls out a pair of underwear. He gets dressed as he
speaks.
FERRIS
His name is Garth Volbeck. He's a
serious outsider. Not a bad guy, I
like him. I'm probably his only friend.
I do what I can for him. I mean, if
I was him, I'd appreciate it. Do unto others,
right? Anyway, his mother owns a gas station.
His father's dead and his sister's rumored
to be a prostitute, which is complete bullshit.
She only puts out so people will hang out
with her. It's sad but I don't hold it
against her. Better to hold it against the
guys who use her and don't care about her.
(pause)
My parents never allowed Garth over here.
It was because of his family. Mainly his
older brother. He's in jail. I could see them
not wanting his brother here because he is
a registered psycho. I wouldn't want him here.
I once watched the guy eat a whole bowl of
artificial fruit just so he could see what
it was like to have his stomach pumped.
But Garth isn't his brother. It isn't his fault
that his brother's screwed-up. Alot of fights
with the parents on that point. I always felt
for Garth. I was sleeping at his house once
and I was laying on the dark worrying that
his brother was going to come in and hack me
to death with an ax and I heard Garth crying.
I asked him what was wrong and he said, "Nothing".
... Nothing was wrong. There was no
specific thing he was crying about.
In fact, he wasn't really even aware that
he was crying. He just cried himself to
sleep every night. It was a habit. The
guy's so conditioned to grief that if
he doesn't feel it, he can't sleep. How
could you possibly dump on guy who has to
deal with that kinda shit? My parents
acknowledge the trudge of the situation
and I'm sure that deep down, they do feel
for him but still the guy's banned from
our house.
He looks at himself in the mirror on the back of his closet
door. He doesn't like what he's wearing. He continues his
speech as he disrobes.
FERRIS
Unfortunately, now my parents have a
legit argument. Garth doesn't need his
brother to give him a rep anymore. He's
getting one on his own. He's lost. It's
over for him. He's eighteen. Gone from
school. Gone from life. His legacy is
a gas station.
17 INT. HOUSE. STAIRCASE 17
Ferris comes down the stairs. He's wearing a completely
different outfit.
FERRIS
One very serious danger is playing
sick is that it's possible to believe
your own act.
18 INT. KITCHEN 18
Ferris comes into the kitchen and crosses to the
refrigerator.
FERRIS
That and boredom. Alot of people
ditch and feel great for about an
hour. Then they realize there's
nothing to do. TV and food. I myself
have ditched and gotten so bored I
did homework. Figure that shit out.
He takes a sip out of a bottle of orange juice.
FERRIS
You have to plan things out before
you take the day off. Otherwise
you get all nervous worrying about
what to do and all you get is grief
and the whole point is to take it
easy, cut loose and enjoy.
He crosses to the pantry.
FERRIS
You blow your day and at about three
o'clock, when everybody's out of school,
you're going to wish you'd gone to
school so you could be out having
fun.
He emerges from the pantry with a handful of Oreos.
FERRIS
Avoid the misery. Plan your day.
Do it right.
19 INT. FAMILY ROOM 19
Ferris walks in and flops down in an armchair.
FERRIS
There's alot of pressure at work
in my age group. And it's not always
recognized.
He reaches over and picks up the telephone. He sets it in
his lap.
FERRIS
Some guy whose hair is falling out
and his stomach's hanging over his
belt and everything he eats makes
him fart, he looks at someone like
me and thinks, "This kid's young and
strong and has a full, rich future ahead
of him, what's he got to bitch about?"
20 CU. PHONE 20
He punches out a number.
21 INT. FAMILY ROOM. FERRIS 21
He remote controls the TV on.
FERRIS
That's just one reason why I need a
day off every now and then.
22 EXT. ANOTHER HOUSE 22
A sleek, modern house on a couple of deeply wooded acres. A
prime house in a prime location. A telephone rings OVER.
23 INT. BOY'S BEDROOM 23
It's a dark, dreary sick room. Shades drawn, floor strewn
with used tissues, nightstand a still-life of over the
counter remedies. A high school boy, CAMERON FRYE, is laying
in bed. We don't see his face, only a silhouette with a
thermometer sticking out his mouth. U2's SUNDAY BLOODY
SUNDAY is playing. He's mumbling random words.
CAMERON
Food...shelter...no...yes...
The phone rings. His hand reaches back and hits the speaker
phone button.
CAMERON
(weak)
Hello?
FERRIS' VOICE
Cameron! What's happening?
CAMERON
Very little.
FERRIS' VOICE
How do you feel?
CAMERON
Shredded.
FERRIS' VOICE
Is your mother in the room?
Cameron takes the thermometer out of his mouth.
CAMERON
She's not home. Where are you?
FERRIS' VOICE
Home.
24 INT. FERRIS' FAMILY ROOM. FERRIS 24
Ferris is sprawled out in the chair.
FERRIS
I'm taking the day off. Get
dressed and come over.
CAMERON'S VOICE
I can't. I'm sick.
FERRIS
It's all in your head. Come on over.
25 INT. CAMERON'S ROOM 25
Cameron's insistant.
CAMERON
I feel like complete shit, Ferris.
I can't go anywhere.
FERRIS' VOICE
I'm sorry to hear that. Now, come
on over and pick me up.
Ferris disconnects. Cameron slowly hangs up the phone.
CAMERON
I'm dying.
The phone rings again. Cameron hits the speaker button.
FERRIS' VOICE
You're not dying. You just can't think
of anything good to do.
26 INT. FERRIS' FAMILY ROOM 26
Ferris hangs up.
FERRIS
If anybody needs a day off, it's
Cameron. He has alot of things to
sort out before he graduates. He
can't be wound this tight and go
to college. His roommate'll kill
him. I've come close myself. But I
like him. He's a little easier to
take when you know why he's like he
is. The boy cannot relax. Pardon
by French but Cameron is so tight
that if you stuck a lump of coal up
his ass, in two weeks you'd have a
diamond.
(after-thought)
And Cameron would worry that he'd
owe taxes on it.
27 INT. SCHOOL. HALLWAY 27
We hear roll call as CAMERA MOVES ACROSS the tile floor. A
shoe's POV.
TEACHER'S VOICE
Albers?
BOY'S VOICE
Here.
TEACHER'S VOICE
Anderson.
GIRL'S VOICE
Here.
CAMERA enters a classroom. It travels past a teacher's Hush
Puppies and heads up an aisle of desk past dirty yellow
Reebocks, rotting Air Jordans, scuffed heels, pristine
loafers...
TEACHER'S VOICE
Anheiser?
BOY'S VOICE
Here.
TEACHER'S VOICE
Busch?
GIRL'S VOICE
Here.
TEACHER'S VOICE
Bueller?
CAMERA reaches the last desk and rises slowly to reveal that
it's empty.
TEACHER'S VOICE
Bueller?
GIRL'S VOICE
He's sick.
(pause)
My best friend's sister's boyfriend's
brother's girlfriend heard from this
guy who knows this kid who's going
with a girl who saw Ferris pass-out
at 31 Flavors last night. I guess
it's pretty serious.
TEACHER'S VOICE
(weary)
Thank you, Simone.
GIRL'S VOICE
(cheery)
No problem whatsoever.
TEACHER'S VOICE
Drucker?
BOY'S VOICE
What?
WOUND-OUT CAR ENGINES COME UP LOUD.
28 CU. TV 28
THE ROAD WARRIOR is playing on video cassette. The big chase
at the end.
INT. FAMILY ROOM. FERRIS
He's sitting in the arm chair pretending it's Humongous' war
wagon. He's wearing a hockey mash. He's steering. He reaches
down and grabs an imaginary nitrous oxide valve.
CU. TV
Humongous reaches down and grabs a real nitrous oxide valve.
He gives it a twist.
CU. FERRIS
He throws himself back against the chair.
CU. TV
The force of the rapid acceleration of his vehicle throws
Humongous back in his seat.
CU. FERRIS
He bounces himself in the chair to simulate the bumpy high
speed ride.
CU. TV
The was wagon hurtles down the road.
CU. FERRIS
He rears back in horror.
CU. TV
The war wagon is heading for a head-on collision with the
tanker truck.
CU. FERRIS
Arms outstretched, head thrown back, braced for collision.
CU. TV
IMPACT!
MOZART COMES UP.
29 CU. FLOWERING TREE BRANCH 29
Outside a bedroom window. A flowering crabtree branch.
Petite pink flowers. WE PULL BACK FROM THE WINDOW INTO THE
ROOM. It's Jeanie's room. A pink and powder blue pig pen.
Clothes everywhere, make-up, books, records. Ferris is
sitting on her bed going through a purse.
FERRIS
This is really degrading.
He comes up with a crumpled dollar bill.
FERRIS
Financing my activities this way.
Very damaging to the self-image.
But, hey, I'm broke. In times of
crisis one must to what one must
to. I'll pay it back. With interest.
He comes up with a five.
FERRIS
Regardless of how much shit sisters
make you eat, how often they rat on
you, how gross they act or how wicked
and insensitive they can be, you should
not alientate them. Because most likely
they have cash and it's usually very easy
to get your hands on.
He holds up a twenty and snaps it. PINK FLOYD'S "MONEY"
COMES UP.
30 INT. LIVING ROOM 30
The song plays as Ferris digs through the sofa cushions.
CU. SOFA
Ferris extracts a sticky quarter from a crevice.
31 INT. PARENTS' BEDROOM 31
Ferris is going through his father's pants pockets. Another
crumpled bill surfaces.
32 CU. WASHING MACHINE TOP 32
A couple of stiff, hard, bleached singles that have gone
through the wash lay on top of the washer. A hand scoops
them up.
33 CU. LUCITE ENCASED PROOF SET 33
An obvious gift from a grandparent. A U.S. Mint proof set. A
ten, a five and a single enclosed in a lucite frame. A
screwdriver tip wedges between the two pieces of Lucite and
pops them apart. A hand peels the bills off the backing.
34 CU. KITCHEN DRAWER 34
Hands ripping through the kitchen junk drawer. Locating a
dollar bill.
35 CU. COIN COLLECTION 35
The familiar blue collector's album. One-by-one, the
quarters are being popped out of their slots.
36 CU. VACCUUM CLEANER 36
The dusty, dirty contents of the bag are emptied on the
floor. Fingers pick a dime out of a matted wad of filth.
37 CU. SNOOPY BANK 37
It's being shaken furiously.
38 CU. BIRTHDAY CARD 38
It's a child's card. It's slowly opened to reveal a crisp,
new five.
39 INT. HALL CLOSET 39
The door opens and Ferris thrusts his hands into the pockets
of the coats. He comes up with a ball of Kleenex. A roll of
Tums. A squirt gun. Then a modest wad of bills. His face
lights up as he counts out the cash. He closes the door.
40 CU. FLOOR AND BED 40
Ferris' face appears between the bed and the floor. His arm
reaches out for a small metal bank hidden under the bed.
41 CU. BANK 41
It's on a work bench. An awl is driven in between the door
and the jamb. It pries the door open. Inside are trading
cards, a charred doll's head, a Zippo lighter and, finally,
a five dollar bill.
42 INT. KITCHEN 42
Ferris is on his hands and knees under the kitchen table.
43 CU. TABLE LEG 43
Ferris lifts the leg and removes a quarter that's been used
to balance the table.
44 INT. KITCHEN 44
Ferris stands up and pockets the quarter.
45 CU. FERRIS' BED 45
A shower of coins and bills rain down on the sheets. The
SONG ENDS.
46 EXT. REAL ESTATE OFFICE. MORNING 46
A suburban realty company. A cute little building in town.
47 INT. OFFICE 47
Joyce is behind a desk. Across from her are two WOMEN.
They're also real estate agents.
JOYCE
No one's going to consider a
house with a black living room.
Not even those jerks from Vermont.
Let's be realistic.
AGENT 1
Mrs. Volbeck's dead set against
putting any money into the house.
Joyce's phone intercom buzzes. She take the call.
JOYCE
Joyce Bueller.
Her eyes open wide with alarm.
JOYCE
Oh, my God. I'm so sorry. I
completely forgot to call.
48 EXT. HIGH SCHOOL 48
A modern, suburban high school.
MAN'S VOICE
Are you aware that your son is not
in school today?
49 INT. SCHOOL. HALLWAY 49
It's a passing period. The hall is clogged with students.
JOYCE'S VOICE
Yes, I am. Ferris is home sick. I
had a meeting first thing this
morning. I should have called. It
completely slipped my mind.
50 INT. SCHOOL. DEAN'S OUTER OFFICE 50
A SECRETARY is at work at her desk. We hear the dean inside
the office.
DEAN'S VOICE
Are you also aware that Ferris does not
have what we consider an exemplary
attendance record?
51 INT. DEAN'S OFFICE. CU. DESK SIGN 51
It reads, EDWARD R. ROONEY. DEAD OF STUDENTS. The dean's
feet are up on the desk, behind the sign. Moderately priced
dress shoes.
JOYCE'S VOICE
I don't understand.
DEAN'S VOICE
I just had his file up.
INT. OFFICE. CU. DEAN
ED ROONEY is sitting behind his desk. He's tough, clean and
straight as an I-beam. Short, neatly combed hair, suit and
tie. He's toying with a pencil. He's confident to the point
of arrogance.
ROONEY
I just has his file up, Mrs. Bueller.
Behind him is a computer terminal. He removes his feet from
the desk and turns in his swivel chair.
ROONEY
If Ferris thinks he coast this last
month and still graduate, he's sorely
mistaken.
JOYCE'S VOICE
This is all news to me.
CU. COMPUTER MONITOR
The monitor on Rooney's desk displays Ferris' records.
ROONEY'S VOICE
So far this semester alone, he's been
absent nine times. Including today.
JOYCE'S VOICE
Nine times?
Under DAYS MISSED we see a number 9 suddenly change to a
number 2.
INT. OFFICE
Rooney turns to the monitor. He reads off the screen.
ROONEY
I have it right here in front of me. He's
missed...
He looks closer at the screen.
52 INT. FERRIS' ROOM 52
Ferris is at his Macintosh computer. He has his record up
on the screen.
FERRIS
I wanted a car. I got a computer. How's
that for being born under a bad sign?
53 INT. JOYCE'S OFFICE 53
She's still on the phone with Rooney.
JOYCE
I can give you every assurance that
Ferris is home and that he is, in
fact, very ill. I debated whether
or not I should even leave him.
I can appreciate that at this time
of year children are prone to taking
the day off, but in Ferris' case,
he's truly a very sick boy.
54 INT. FERRIS' BEDROOM 54
MUSIC BLASTS. SOLO GUITAR.
CU. SPEAKER
The grille cloth is throbbing.
CU. LED METERS
The meters on the amplifier are totally in the danger zone.
CU. TV MONITOR
We see Ferris in his room with a guitar around his neck.
He's playing.
CU. VIDEO CAMERA
A home video camera is capturing Ferris on tape.
55 INT. CAMERON'S ROOM 55
He's sitting on the edge of the bed buttoning his shirt. He
sighs deeply and fall back on the bed.
56 INT. SCHOOL. HALLWAY 56
Jeanie is at her locker during a passing period. A
GIRLFRIEND comes up to her.
GIRL
I'm really sorry about your brother.
JEANIE
What're you sorry for? I have to live
with the trouser snake.
GIRL
No, I mean I heard he's really sick.
JEANIE
Who said he's sick.
GIRL
A whole bunch of people. They said
he's like on the verge of death.
Jeanie stares incredulously at the girl.
GIRL
This guy in my biology class said
that if Ferris dies he's giving
his eyes to Stevie Wonder? He's
really sweet isn't he?
She smiles and exits. Jeanie cocks her head in bewilderment.
She kicks her locker shut.
57 INT. FERRIS' ROOM 57
He's in bed on the phone.
FERRIS
A sample of my blood was sent
to Atlanta to the Center for
Disease Control. I don't know,
man, I'm bricking heavily.
(point to the
phone)
Freshman.
(to the phone)
Did you see Alien? When the guy
had the creature in his stomach?
It feels like that.
58 INT. SCHOOL. HALLWAY 58
A FRESHMAN BOY is on the pay phone. A couple of his BUDDIES
are standing at his side waiting anxiously for news.
BOY
Goddamn! Are you kidding?
SECOND BOY
What?
BOY
Did you see Alien?
SECOND BOY
No.
BOY
You never rented the video cassette?
Second boy shakes his head, no.
BOY
Oh. He's really wasted.
THIRD BOY
(to the Second Boy)
Who's he talking to?
SECOND BOY
Ferris Bueller. You know him?
THIRD BOY
(excited)
Yeah. He's getting me out of summer
school.
BOY
Anyway, I appreciate you letting us
know how you're doing. We gotta split.
(pause)
Huh?...Yeah, sure. Hold on.
SECOND BOY
(to Third Boy)
Shit. I hope he doesn't die.
I can't handle summer school.
The boy snatches a passing GIRL.
BOY
Did you see Alien?
GIRL
Yeah, why?
He hands her the phone.
GIRL
Hello?
(pause)
Who?
(pause)
Hi, Ferris. How's your bod?
(jaw drops)
Oh, my God! You're dying?
Is it serious?
(pause)
Shiit! Are you upset?
59 INT. DEAN'S OFFICE 59
Rooney's comparing his computer monitor to hard copy. His
SECRETARY is standing over his shoulder.
ROONEY
I don't trust this kid any further
than I can throw him!
SECRETARY
With your bad knee, you better
not throw anybody, Ed.
Rooney stares at her for a long beat.
ROONEY
What's so dangerous about a character
like Ferris Bueller is that he gives
the good kids bad ideas. The last thing
I need at this point in my career is
fifteen hundred Ferris Bueller disciples
running around these halls.
SECRETARY
He's very popular, Ed. Sportos, motorheads,
geeks, sluts, pinheads, dweebies, wonkers,
richies, they all adore him.
ROONEY
That's exactly why I have to catch him
this time. To show these kids that the
example he sets is a first class ticket
to nowhere.
SECRETARY
(impressed)
Ooo. You sounded like Dirty Harry just
now.
Rooney looks up at her with a proud smile.
ROONEY
Really?
He unconsciously does an Eastwood squint.
60 EXT. FERRIS' HOUSE 60
It's a glorious late spring day. A florist's truck drives
past the house.
61 INT. FERRIS' ROOM 61
He's on the telephone. As he speaks he does a little
MacPainting on his MacIntosh. A Modigliani nude.
FERRIS
Cameron, if you're not over here
in fifteen minutes, you can find
a new best friend. I'm serious, man.
This is bullshit, making me wait
around the house for you.
62 INT. CAMERON'S BEDROOM 62
Cameron's back in bed.
CAMERON
I'm sick. I feel like shit. Why can't
you leave me alone?
FERRIS' VOICE
You're not up for some good times?
It's a beautiful day. It's almost
summer. If this was Hawaii, we'd be
surfing.
63 INT. FERRIS' ROOM 63
He's growing weary of Cameron's wimpishness.
FERRIS
You want to stay home and try
to have the shits? Try to barf?
Try to feel worse?
CAMERON'S VOICE
I don't have to try.
FERRIS
Be a man. Take some Pepto Bismol
and get dressed. You're boring me
with this stuff.
The other phone line rings.
FERRIS
Squeeze you buns for a second. I
got another call.
He puts Cameron on hold. He clears his throat and answers
the second line. He sounds like he's on his last breath.
FERRIS
H--hell-o?
64 EXT. OFFICE BUILDING. DOWNTOWN 64
A LaSalle Street office tower.
TOM'S VOICE
Ferris?
65 INT. TOM'S OFFICE 65
He's behind his desk. Nice office. Two windows. Herman
Miller desk and chair.
TOM
You sound miserable.
FERRIS' VOICE
Really? Darn! I thought I was improving.
TOM
Were you sleeping?
FERRIS' VOICE
I was trying to do some homework.
66 CU. COMPUTER MONITOR 66
A closer view of the rude drawing Ferris is making.
FERRIS (OC)
I'm so worried about falling behind.
INT. FERRIS' ROOM
He leans back from the monitor and sips a Coke.
FERRIS
Dad? Can you hold on a second?
TOM'S VOICE
Sure, pal. Are you alright?
FERRIS
Just a little phlegm on the phone.
Hold on.
He puts his father on hold.
FERRIS
Cameron? It's my Dad.
CAMERON'S VOICE
Oh, that's just great. Are you busted?
FERRIS
It's completely cool. He's just
checking up on me. Now, listen to
me. I'm working on getting some
heavy bucks out of him. So, the least you
can do is hurry up and get over here.
Bye.
He disconnects and gets his father back. He switches back to
his sick voice.
FERRIS
Sorry, Dad. The moment before you
called, I had a chest spasm and I
blew lung fluid all over the place.
It was making me ill looking at it.
But gee, it's sure great of you to call.
I'm sure there're alot of fathers
who wouldn't take time out from
their busy schedules to call a dumb,
sick teenager.
TOM'S VOICE
Hey, pal, what was I supposed to do?
Ferris reaches out and hits a key on his computer. The
screen dumps the drawing.
FERRIS
Give yourself some credit, Dad. It
was a mammoth gesture. It's like those
savings bonds you used to give me
every Christmas.
(looks at CAMERA and smiles)
It was that kind of concern.
CU. COMPUTER SCREEN
A message is flashing: "TRANSMITTING DATA".
INT. FERRIS' ROOM
He turns away from the computer and puts his feet up on the
desk. He lights a cigarette.
FERRIS
You had to work hard for the money
to buy those things, right?
TOM'S VOICE
Not any harder than anybody else.
Ferris mouths Tom's words as he says them.
67 EXT. CHICAGO LOOP. DIAMONDVISION SCREEN 67
Ferris' drawing suddenly appears on the billboard.
Pedestrians stop to look.
68 INT. FERRIS' ROOM 68
He blows a smoke ring.
FERRIS
You work so hard I'll bet you don't
even remember where those bonds are,
right?
Ferris points a finger in the air as a cue to his father.
TOM'S VOICE
Wrong.
He nods.
FERRIS
Oh, yeah? You're pulling my leg. You're
just trying to cheer me up.
TOM'S VOICE
Like hell I am. They're in a shoebox
in my closet.
Ferris smiles. He looks at CAMERA. He's gotten exactly what
he wants.
FERRIS
(to CAMERA, normal
voice)
Was that a class move or what?
The guy gave it up faster than
a drunk Catholic girl. I hope my
kids don't pull this shit on me.
(thinks)
Of course, if they didn't, they'd
be dumb and abnormal and they'd
probably never move out of my
house and I'd have to support them
until I die. I take it back.
(to the phone,
sick voice)
Dad? All this talking has made me
kind of light-headed. I think
I better lie down.
TOM'S VOICE
Okay, pal. You take care. I'll
call you after lunch.
FERRIS
You don't have to, Dad.
TOM'S VOICE
I want to. Bye now.
He hangs up. Ferris sighs.
FERRIS
You win some, you lose some.
He turns his desk chair around and gets up.
FERRIS
I'm so disappointed in Cameron.
Twenty bucks says he's sitting
in his car debating about whether
or not he should go out.
69 INT. CAR. CAMERON 69
He's sitting behind the wheel of his car.
CAMERON
We're gonna get caught. No doubt
about it.
He cuts the engine.
CAMERON
I'm not doing it.
He sits for half a beat.
CAMERON
He'll keep calling until I come
over.
He sighs and restarts the engine. Another beat.
CAMERON
Actually, what'll happen is I'll
get caught. Ferris'll escape.
Another beat. He stops the engine. A CRASH OF HORROR MUSIC.
70 CU. DRESSER DRAWER 70
Hands curl around the drawer pulls. The drawer is opened
slowly, ominously. The hands lift a sweater out. A HERALDIC
STING as we see a men's magazine beneath the sweater.
INT. FERRIS' ROOM
He takes out the magazine. He leafs through the pages for
the pictorials as he speaks.
FERRIS
Cameron'll go on like that for a
good thirty minutes. The guy
is a shellfish when it comes to
making a decision. The reason
he doesn't fell good is, he
worries about everything. He's
the only guy I know who's deeply
concerned that when he grows up
there'll be a critical shortage
of strategic metals.
He exits the room.
71 INT. HALLWAY 71
Ferris comes out of his room and heads down the hallway.
FERRIS
Cameron's also the only guy
I know who knows what strategic
metals are.
(waves the magazine)
Pardon moi.
He goes into the bathroom. We HEAR THE TOILET SEAT SLAM
DOWN.
FERRIS
(sings)
MAYBE I'M JUST LIKE MY MOTHER,
SHE'S NEVER SATISFIED...
72 INT. CLASSROOM. LATER 72
A stunningly beautiful girl, SLOANE PETERSON, is sitting at
her desk in a history class. She's staring out the window as
a tweedy MALE TEACHER delivers a dry, dusty lecture.
TEACHER
Roosevelt's health had seriously
deteriorated by the time he met
with Churchill and Stalin at Yalta.
(sneezes)
Pardon me.
The classroom door opens and the school NURSE walks in. For
a moment, the teacher thinks she's come in because she heard
him sneeze. She crosses to him and whispers in his ear.
SLOANE
She, like the others, watches the nurse curiously.
INT. CLASSROOM. TEACHER AND NURSE
The teacher's face drops as he's delivered an obvious piece
of disturbing news. He nods grimly to the Nurse. She looks
at the kids.
NURSE
Sloane Peterson?
SLOANE
Sits up in her seat.
NURSE
She's a picture of compassion and understanding.
NURSE
May I see you outside for a moment?
There's been an emergency.
SLOANE
A smile curls across her lips. As she gathers her books she
looks to the GIRL next to her.
SLOANE
(whispers)
Dead grandmother.
73 INT. HALLWAY 73
The Nurse is gently holding Sloane's hand.
NURSE
(nods solemnly)
Dead grandmother.
74 CU. ROONEY 74
He has a suspicious look on his face.
ROONEY
Dead grandmother?
INT. DEAN'S OFFICE
Rooney's at his desk. His secretary is standing across from
him.
SECRETARY
That's what Mr. Peterson said. I
had Florence Sparrow notify Sloane.
ROONEY
Who's this girl's going with?
SECRETARY
It's so hard to tell. I see her
alot with Ferris Bueller.
Rooney smiles. His suspicions are confirmed.
ROONEY
Could you get me Mr. Peterson's
daytime number?
As the secretary starts out of the room, Rooney's phone
rings. She stops and answers the desk phone.
SECRETARY
Edward Rooney's office.
(pause)
Yes. Can you hold? Thank you.
She puts the call on hold.
SECRETARY
It's Mr. Peterson.
Rooney is startled. He thinks for a beat then reaches for
the phone.
SECRETARY
Do you still want his number?
Rooney answers her with an annoyed look. She smiles and
backs out. He punches the phone button.
ROONEY
Ed Rooney.
MAN'S VOICE
Ed? This is George Peterson.
ROONEY
How are you today, sir?
MAN'S VOICE
We've had a bit of bad luck this
morning as you may have heard.
Rooney rolls his eyes. It's so obvious it's not Mr.
Peterson.
ROONEY
I heard. And, gosh, I'm all broken
up. Huh? Oh, sure. I'd be happy to
release Sloane. You produce a corpse
and I'll release Sloane. I want to
see this dead grandmother firsthand.
The secretary stops cold in the doorway. She turns to Rooney
in horror. He covers the phone.
ROONEY
(whispers)
It's Ferris Bueller. Nervy litttle
punk. I'm gonna set a trap and let
his walk right into it!
(to phone)
That's right. Cart the stiff in and
I'll turn over your daughter. It's
school policy. Was this your mother?
Rooney's other line rings.
75 INT. SECRETARY'S OFFICE 75
She steps out of Rooney's office and picks up the other
line.
SECRETARY
Ed Rooney's office.
Her jaw drops.
SECRETARY
Hold, please.
She puts the call on hold and hangs up. She hurried into
Rooney's office.
76 INT. DEAN'S OFFICE 76
Rooney's chewing out the person on the other line.
ROONEY
I'll tell you want, you don't
like my policies, you can just
come on down and smooch by big
old ugly ass. You hear me?
The secretary comes in. She's waving her arms furiously.
Rooney tries to wave her away. He's angry. She stomps her
foot. Rooney covers the phone.
ROONEY
What!?
SECRETARY
Ferris Bueller's on line two.
CU. ROONEY'S FOOT
It freezes in mid-tap.
CU. ROONEY'S HAND
The pencils falls from his fingers.
CU. ROONEY'S FACE
A mask of horror. He glances at the phone.
CU. PHONE
The second line light is flashing.
CU. ROONEY
He blinks, cocks his head, twitches.
77 INT. FERRIS' ROOM 77
He's zipping his pants, fastening his belt. The phone's
cradled against his shoulder. He speaks in the same voice he
used on his father.
FERRIS
Mr. Rooney? I'm sorry to disturb
you at work but I was wondering if
it would be possible for my sister
to bring home any assignments from
my classes that I may need.
78 INT. DEAN'S OFFICE. ROONEY 78
He's staring blankly ahead.
FERRIS' VOICE
Thank you, sir.
He nods.
CU. PHONE
Rooney's finger gingerly presses the button on the waiting
call.
CU. ROONEY
He winces as he returns to the first call.
79 INT. FERRIS' HOUSE. KITCHEN 79
Cameron's on the phone in the kitchen. He's doing a deep,
phoney "father" voice.
CAMERON
You oughta be sorry for Christ's
sake! A family member dies and
you insult me. What's the matter
with you, anyway?
80 INT. DEAN'S OFFICE. ROONEY 80
He apologies profusely to Cameron. He's perspiring,
trembling.
ROONEY
I don't know. I thought you were
someone else. You have to know,
sir, that I would never deliberately
insult you. I can't begin to tell
you how embarrassed I am.
CAMERON'S VOICE
Pardon my French but you're an asshole!
Rooney nods enthusiastically.
ROONEY
Absolutely! I most certainly am.
81 INT. KITCHEN 81
Cameron lays into Rooney.
CAMERON
This isn't over yet, buster. You
just make sure my daughter's out
in front of the school in ten
minutes. Do you read me?
ROONEY'S VOICE
Load and clear, Mr. Peterson.
CAMERON
Call me sir, goddamn it!
ROONEY'S VOICE
Sir.
CAMERON
That's better.
Ferris strolls into the kitchen to catch the last of the
conversation. Cameron covers the phone.
CAMERON
(to Ferris)
I'm scared shitless, Ferris! What
is Rooney guesses my voice!
FERRIS
Impossible. You're doing great.
Cameron sighs and goes back to the phone.
CAMERON
(clears his throat)
I don't have all day to bark at you
so I'll make this short and sweet.
Ferris gives Cameron an enthusiastic thumbs up.
FERRIS
(mouths)
Great!
Cameron smiles proudly.
CAMERON
I want my daughter out in front
of the school in ten minutes. By
herself. I don's want anyone around...
Ferris smacks Cameron. He's said the wrong thing. He covers
the phone.
CAMERON
What'd I do?
FERRIS
Out in front my herself? It's too
suspicious! He'll think something's
up, moron. Cover it.
Cameron panics. He holds the phone out to Ferris.
CAMERON
You do it!
Ferris waves his arms angrily.
FERRIS
Talk!
Cameron takes a deep breath. He clears his throat and puts
on his father's voice.
CAMERON
I changed my mind, fella. You be out
in front with her! I wanna have a
few words with you!
Ferris slaps Cameron. The phone flies out of his hand.
82 CU. ROONEY 82
He winces as the phone hits the floor with a loud CLONK!
We HEAR THE BOYS SCRAMBLING TO PICK UP THE PHONE, THEN
CAMERON CLEARING HIS THROAT.
CAMERON'S VOICE
On second thought, I don't have
time to talk to you. We'll get
together soon and have lunch.
We HEAR A SLAP AND THE CALL DISCONNECTS.
83 INT. FERRIS' KITCHEN 83
Cameron's rubbing the side of his head.
CAMERON
Why'd you hit me?!
FERRIS
Where's your brain?!
CAMERON
Why'd you hit me?!
FERRIS
Where's your brain?!
CAMERON
Why'd you hit me?
FERRIS
Where's your brain?
CAMERON
I asked you first.
FERRIS
How can we pick up Sloane if Rooney's
going to be there with her?!
CAMERON
I said for her to be there alone
and you freaked!
FERRIS
My, God, you're so stupid!
(aside)
I didn't hit you, I lightly slapped
you.
CAMERON
You hit me. Look, don't ask me to
participate in your crap if you
don't like the way I do it!
Ferris is incredulous at Cameron's stupidity. Cameron's
anger is intensified by his embarrassment.
CAMERON
I was home, sick. You get me out of
bed, being me over here, make me
jeopardize my future, make me do
a phoney phone call on a dean of
students, a man who could squeeze
my nuts into oblivion and then
you deliberately hurt my feelings.
FERRIS
I didn't deliberately hurt your feelings.
CAMERON
Oh, really?
FERRIS
Yeah, really.
Cameron glares at Ferris.
CAMERON
Hey, Ferris? Have a nice life.
He turns and heads out of the room. Ferris sighs.
FERRIS
Cameron?
CAMERON
Stick it up your ass, Ferris.
FERRIS
Cameron, I'm sorry. I didn't mean
to jam you. It was uncalled for.
Cameron stops.
CAMERON
You're serious?
He turns around.
FERRIS
Dead serious.
Cameron smiles. He appreciates Ferris apology.
CAMERON
Thanks.
FERRIS
You did screw up through, right?
Not that is was necessarily all
you fault. Right?
CAMERON
(suspiciously)
Why?
FERRIS
To fix this situation, I'm going
to have to ask you for a small favor.
Cameron's jaw drops.
84 INT. GARAGE 84
The door opens slowly, dramatically as we hear a heraldic
fanfare. Light streams in to reveal Cameron and Ferris
looking at the car. Ferris is smiling with excitement and
awe. Cameron is frowning with trepidation and fear.
CU. FERRARI STALLION
The prancing black stallion. We move up from the stallion to
the erotic red hood of a 1958 Ferrari 250 GTS California.
CAMERON AND FERRIS
Cameron's face is ashen. The end of the world is at hand.
Ferris is in heaven.
CAMERON
(grim monotone)
1958 Ferrari 250 GTS California. Less
than a hundred were made. It has a
market value of $265,000. My father
spent three years restoring it. It
is joy, it is his love, it is his
passion.
FERRIS
It is his fault he didn't lock the
garage.
CAMERON
Ferris, my father loves this car more
than life itself. We can't take is out.
FERRIS
A man with priorities so far out of
whack doesn't deserve such a fine
automobile.
CAMERON
He never drives it, Ferris. He just
rubs it with a diaper.
FERRIS
We can't pick up Sloane in your car,
Cameron. Rooney'd never believe Mr.
Peterson drives that piece of shit.
CAMERON
It's not a piece of shit.
FERRIS
It's a piece of shit. Don't worry
about it. I don't even have a piece
of shit. I have to envy yours. Look,
I'm sorry but there's nothing else
we can do.
CAMERON
He knows the mileage, Ferris. He has
it tatooed on his wrist.
FERRIS
He doesn't trust you?
CAMERON
No.
FERRIS
Alright, look, this is real simple.
He puts his arm around Cameron.
FERRIS
Whatever miles we put on it, we'll
take off.
CAMERON
(suspicious)
How?
FERRIS
(big, proud smile)
We'll drive home backwards.
Cameron shakes his head, no.
CAMERON
Forget it. I'm putting my foot down,
Ferris. You'll have to think of
something else...
CU. FERRARI GRILLE
Cameron's protests are drowned out by the distinctive roar
of the twelve cylinders.
CAMERON'S VOICE
...You're not talking me into this
one. I have to live with the man.
I'm sorry but...
The roar of the engine is overtaken by the sound of a
crowded school hallway.
85 INT. SCHOOL. JEANIE 85
She comes out of a classroom. She stops as Sloane and Rooney
walk past. Sloane has her coat on and she's carrying her
books. Jeanie watches her suspiciously.
86 EXT. SCHOOL 86
The Ferrari is parked out in front. The top is down.
87 INT. FERRARI 87
Ferris is driving. He's wearing a man's hat and sunglasses.
Cameron's in the back.
CAMERON
Are you crazy?! Put the top back
up!
FERRIS
This is perfect top-down weather.
CAMERON
What about Rooney?
FERRIS
Cameron, the more obvious we are,
the less likely we are to get
caught.
CAMERON
That makes no sense whatsoever.
FERRIS
The adult mind is a suspicious
machine.
(look around at Cameron)
Stay down, man.
Cameron squeezes himself lower.
CAMERON
Howcome it's my Dad's car and
I'm taking all the risk and I have
to ride back here?
FERRIS
I don't have an explanation.
88 EXT. SCHOOL 88
Rooney and Sloane come out the door.
ROONEY
Once again let me say how deeply
saddened I am by your loss.
SLOANE
Huh?
ROONEY
Were you close to your grandmother?
SLOANE
Oh. Um. Yeah. Very. She was a terrific
lady. Very hip. Very old. Yeah.
DEEP VOICE
Oh, Sloane! Dear!
Sloane looks across at the Ferrari. Rooney looks.
THEIR POV
Ferris is looking out across the roof of the Ferrari. He's
careful to keep his nose and mouth below the roofline.
FERRIS
Hurry along now!
EXT. SCHOOL
Rooney's suspicious. Sloane smiles and bids Rooney a hasty
farewell.
SLOANE
I guess that's my Dad. Thanks.
See ya.
She hurries to the car. Rooney watches her. Something does
compute for him.
89 INT. SCHOOL. JEANIE 89
She's watching out the door. She sees the Ferrari pull away.
90 EXT. SCHOOL. ROONEY 90
He can't quite put his finger on what's bothering him.
91 INT. FERRARI 91
Sloane shrieks with delight. She leans across the console
and gives Ferris a kiss.
SLOANE
This is so great! I can't believe
it! Right in front of Rooney!
She laughs and turns to Cameron.
SLOANE
Hi, Cameron. You comfortable?
CAMERON
Hi. No.
SLOANE
What a fabulous car!
CAMERON
Enjoy it quick. It' s going home.
FERRIS
It was risky, it was bold but
it was totally necessary.
SLOANE
What're we gonna do?
FERRIS
The question isn't "what are we
gonna do", the question is "what
aren't we going to do."
CAMERON
Don't tell me we're not going to
take the car home. Please.
FERRIS
(to CAMERA)
If you had access to a car like this
would you take it back right away?
Would you give up feeling like a
ton just to ease your best friend's
tension?
He smiles.
FERRIS
Either would I.
92 EXT. STREET. FERRARI 92
It accelerates away like a shot.
93 EXT. SUBURBAN BANK 93
A fresh, modern bank building. The clock outside read 9:53.
The Ferrari pulls into the parking lot.
94 INT. BANK. DOORS 94
Ferris, Cameron and Sloane walk in. Ferris is cocky and
confident. Sloane's still intoxicated with her freedom.
Cameron's having stomach trouble. Ferris leads the way to an
open teller window.
INT. BANK. TELLER
A WOMAN about seventy with a silver blue beehive. It's about
four inches higher the highest beehive you're ever seen. As
she moves the beehive hits a small sign over her head. She's
been at the bank since they opened. She smiles when she sees
Ferris.
TELLER
Ferris Bueller?
FERRIS
He's at the window. On either shoulder are Cameron and
Sloane. Ferris smiles. Cameron blanches.
FERRIS
Hello, Mrs. Froeling. How are you?
TELLER
She pats the rock-solid mass of blue hair. In doing so she
locates a missing ball point pen. She withdraws it from the
hair and smiles at it's reappearance.
TELLER
I passed a kidney stone Tuesday, so
I'm a little pooped but other than
that, I'm as chipper as can be.
(something occurs to her)
Say, should you be in school?
FERRIS
He lays his savings bonds on the counter.
FERRIS
Me?
(polite laugh)
I'm out of school, Mrs. Froeling.
In fact. I'm married. This is my
wife...Madonna.
Sloane suppresses a laugh.
FERRIS
(to Cameron)
And this is my brother-in-law,
ZZ Top. ZZ, this is Mrs. Froeling.
Cameron isn't amused.
TELLER
(to Cameron)
Is Top a Slavic name?
CAMERON
Yeah.
FERRIS
I'd like to cash these in, please.
We're having a baby and we need the
cash for a crib, clothes, diapers,
food pellets, leash, water dish...
INT. BANK. TELLER WINDOW
Mrs. Froeling takes the bonds with a hearty smile. The
latter part of the conversation sails over her like a line
drive.
TELLER
A baby!
(to Sloane)
You must be so excited.
Cameron groans and turns away from the sham.
SLOANE
I'm thrilled, ma'am. I'm especially
looking forward to wearing those
jeans with the stretch panel in
front.
Mrs. Froeling thumbs through the bonds.
TELLER
Are you hoping for a boy or
a girl?
SLOANE
Actually, we're hoping for a car.
CU. CAMERON
He's spooked by the games playing. He scans the bank
nervously. He blinks, focuses, blinks again.
HIS POV
Joyce is with a MIDDLE-AGED COUPLE and their bored,
sour-puss teenage son, BOYD. He's sitting in a chair with
his legs slung over the sides waving a Bic lighter back and
forth across his rump. The parents are Joyce's clients from
Vermont. A LOAN OFFICER is discussing the local financing
situation with them. His is an open office adjacent to the
teller windows. Joyce's back is to the tellers.
CU. CAMERON
It's like he's just witnesses an ax murder.
CAMERON
Shit...
INT. BANK. JOYCE
Her back is to the teller windows. She's conducting her
meeting. Behind her we see Cameron grab Ferris and point her
out to him. He waves. Cameron slaps his arm.
INT. BANK. TELLER WINDOW
Mrs. Froeling shows Ferris the savings bonds.
TELLER
These bonds aren't mature. If you hold
onto them another two years you'll get
an additional four dollars...
FERRIS
I'm aware of that.
TELLER
You're throwing away four dollars.
FERRIS
No, ma'am, I'm giving it to the
government. They need it. Do you
know what an aircraft carrier's
going for these days?
INT. BANK. JOYCE
She concludes her meeting. She shakes hands with the loan
officer and stands. The Vermont Couple stands. Boyd scrapes
the bottom of his shoe on the desk, leaving a glob of mud
behind and he stands. Joyce turns into the bank. Ferris,
Cameron and Sloane are gone. She escorts her customers out.
INT. BANK. DOOR
Joyce and the Vermont Couple approach the doors. Boyd lays a
luggie in the drinking fountain. Mrs. Froeling passes with
the savings bonds. She stops when she sees Joyce.
JOYCE
Mrs. Froeling, how are you?
MRS. FROELING
I passed a kidney stone Tuesday.
(shifts gears, to Joyce)
Say, you must be very proud.
Joyce doesn't know what she's talking about.
MRS. FROELING
(whispers)
I met Madonna.
She pats Joyce on the arm.
MRS. FROELING
She told me everything. Keep me posted,
I'll want to send a gift.
She toodles on her way. Joyce and the Vermont Couple are
completely baffled.
95 EXT. BANK 95
Joyce and the Vermont Couple walk along the side of the
bank, heading for the parking lot. Boyd's tagging along
behind. He picks up a stone and hurls it into the parking
lot.
JOYCE
My son's home sick today. If
you wouldn't mind, on our way
back to the office, I'd like
to just run in and check up on him.
We HEAR A METALLIC PING! as Boyd's missle hits a car.
MOTHER
Of course.
They pass a show window. As they pass, we hold on the
window. It's promoting saving for college educations. A
mannequin father is congratulating his mannequin son in a
mortar and gown as a stiff Sloane, Ferris and Cameron look
on proudly.
96 INT. DEAN'S OFFICE 96
His secretary is dialing a number for him.
SECRETARY
This is the Peterson's home.
She hands the phone to Rooney.
SECRETARY
Watch your mouth this time.
Rooney glares at her.
ROONEY
Ferris Bueller's behind this. There's
no doubt in my mind. That's what I was
saying this morning. Why he has to be stopped.
He's got Sloane Peterson involved in this
thing now. See?
The secretary nods.
SECRETARY
And her grandmother, too.
97 CU. PHONE ANSWER MACHINE 97
It clicks on. We hear a grieved woman's voice. It sounds an
awful lot like Sloane.
SLOANE
We can't come to the phone right now.
We've had a death in the family. If
you need to reach us we'll be at
the following number...
98 INT. DEAN'S OFFICE 98
Rooney quickly takes down a number.
99 EXT. CAMERON'S HOUSE 99
His answering machine clicks on. We hear Cameron's voice.
CAMERON'S VOICE
You have reached the Coughlin Bros.
Mortuary. We are unable to come to
the phone right now but if you'll leave
your name and number...
100 INT. DEAN'S OFFICE 100
Rooney hangs up the phone.
ROONEY
Something's going on, goddamn it.
The secretary's looking at a newspaper on Rooney's desk.
She's not listening to him.
SECRETARY
There's a railroad strike.
ROONEY
And I'm going to stop it!
SECRETARY
My brother-in-law'll appreciate it.
Rooney looks at her, puzzled.
ROONEY
What?
SECRETARY
My brother-in-law rides the train
to work.
Rooney stares at her like she's crazy.
ROONEY
Who gives a good goddamn?
101 EXT. EDENS EXPRESSWAY 101
The major thoroughfare into the city of Chicago from the
suburbs. The Ferrari streaks past. In the distance we see
the Sears Tower, the Hancock Building and the Standard Oil
Building.
102 INT. SCHOOL. HALLWAY 102
Jeanie's walking down the hall. She's stopped by a KID with
a Coke can.
KID
Yo. We're collecting money to
buy Ferris Bueller a new kidney.
Jeanie stares at him. She's flabbergasted at the proportions
her brother's scan has reached.
KID
They run about fifty g's so it
you could help out...
JEANIE
Go piss up a flagpole!
KID
Huh?
She knocks the can out of his hands and storms down the hall.
The kid yells after her.
KID
Hey, babe! Some day you might
need a favor from Ferris Bueller!
Then where'll you be?!
He reaches for the can.
KID
Heartless wench...
103 EXT. CHICAGO LOOP. PARKING GARAGE 103
The Ferrari pulls into a large parking garage.
EXT. GARAGE
Ferris, Sloane and Cameron get out. Cameron's having fits.
CAMERON
We can't leave the car here!
FERRIS
Why not?
CAMERON
Because we can't! I want it back
home where it belongs!
SLOANE
What could happen to it?
CAMERON
It could get stolen, wrecked, scratched,
you name it.
FERRIS
I'll give the guy a five to watch it.
CAMERON
What guy?
CU. PARKING ATTENDANT
He smiles with relish at the car. 6'6", 240. An IQ that
equals his hourly wage. Shoulder-length hair stuffed into a
hairnet Gold teeth. Earring. Goatee.
EXT. PARKING LOT
The Attendant swaggers over to the car. Ferris slips him a
give.
FERRIS
You speak English?
ATTENDANT
Since I was three.
FERRIS
Great. I want to you take extra special
care of this vehicle, okay?
He pats the Attendant on the arm. He smiles.
ATTENDANT
Like it's a beautiful woman.
FERRIS
I appreciate it.
The Attendant very gingerly gets into the car. Ferris turns
to Cameron. The Ferrari pulls into the lot very slowly, very
carefully. No squealing tires, no revving engine.
FERRIS
See what a finski can do to
a person's attitude? He's going
to treat it like a beautiful
woman.
CAMERON
Yeah, sure. Whip it with a stick
and piss on the hood.
SLOANE
Oh, please, Cameron. Do you have to
be so graphic?
She heads down the street.
SLOANE
This is so right!
Ferris nudges Cameron on. They exit the garage and head
after Sloane. A long beat and the Ferrari creeps down the
exit ramp of the garage. It's gone in the entrance and out
the exit. Another attendant jumps in the passenger side.
He's skinny, tall, with a huge knit hat willed with dreads.
He lets out a spirited laugh and the Ferrari peels out of
the lot. It heads down the street away from Sloane, Ferris
and Cameron.
104 EXT. FERRIS' HOUSE 104
Joyce's care pulls in the driveway. She gets out and heads up
the house.
105 INT. FERRIS' ROOM 105
It's dark. There's a figure in the bed. We hear soft
snoring. A wire runs from under the bed covers to the closet
door to the door to the room itself.
INT. ROOM. DOOR KNOB
The wire is tied to the doorknob. It's taut. Downstairs, we
hear a door open and close.
106 INT. HOUSE. STAIRWAY 106
Joyce quietly walks up the stairs.
107 INT. HOUSE. HALLWAY 107
Joyce comes up the stairs and crosses to Ferris' room. She
listens at the door. WE HEAR THE SNORING.
CU. DOORKNOB
Joyce slowly turns the doorknob and pushes the door open a
crack.
HER POV
The door opens and the figure-like lump in the bed moves.
CU. JOYCE
She smiles and closes the door.
108 INT. ROOM. CLOSET 108
The closet door is open. The wire from the bedroom door is
strung over the top of the closet door. A trophy is attached
to the end of the wire and it's resting on a yard stick. As
the bedroom door closes, the trophy lifts up off the
yardstick and the lump in the bed goes back down to it's
original position.
CU. FERRIS' SYNTHESIZER
Little LED's are lighting up to the rhythm of the snoring.
The snoring it simulated.
109 INT. HALLWAY 109
Joyce listens at the door another beat. She's smiles with
relief and affection.
110 EXT. SEARS TOWER. LATER 110
HELICOPTER SHOT moves in on the world's tallest building. As
it passes we see three figures pressed against the windows.
FERRIS (VO)
This is the world's tallest building.
From our vantage point here on the
103 floor, we are provided with a
view of four states.
CAMERON (VO)
Do you think the car's alright?
FERRIS (VO)
Illinois, Michigan, Wisconsin and
my personal favorite, Indiana.
111 INT. SEARS TOWER OBSERVATION DECK 111
Ferris, Cameron and Sloane are standing against the window.
CAMERON
I don't feel good, Ferris. Are
we gonna stay long?
FERRIS
Take a step back...
Ferris steps back. Sloane and Cameron follow suit.
FERRIS
Now, lean against the glass. Like
this...
He leans forward, putting all his weight on his forehead.
FERRIS
And look down.
Sloane leans forward. Cameron follows, reluctantly.
SLOANE
Oh, shit!
HER POV
The street far, far below. A dizzying view.
INT. OBSERVATION DECK
The three are leaning against the glass.
SLOANE
What if the glass gives?
FERRIS
Death.
SLOANE
Cool.
CU. CAMERON
He's looking down.
CAMERON
I think I see my Dad.
112 EXT. STREET LEVEL 112
A middle-aged man, Cameron's father, HORACE FRYE, is
standing on the street corner. He's lean, clean, tough and
humorless. He's wearing a puzzled look on his face.
CAMERON'S FATHER
I think I see my car.
HIS POV
The Ferrari screams down the avenue and disappears down the
underground ramp.
113 INT. SEARS TOWER LOBBY 113
Ferris and Sloane bound down the escalator. Cameron follows
glumly. They dance past the giant Calder mobile. They're
singing.
FERRIS AND SLOANE
I BEEN ALL 'ROUND THIS GREAT BIG WORLD
AND I'VE SEEN ALL KINDS OF GIRLS
YEAH, BUT I COULDN'T WAIT TO GET
BACK IN THE STATES
BACK TO THE CUTEST GIRLS IN THE WORLD
I WISH THEY ALL COULD BE CALIFORNIA
I WISH THEY ALL COULD BE CALIFORNIA
114 EXT. STREET 114
Ferris and Sloane burst out the doors garnering the annoyed
stares of the business people busily going in and out of the
building. Cameron politely waits his turn to exit. Ferris
and Sloane head down the street. Cameron follows.
FERRIS AND SLOANE
I WISH THEY ALL COULD BE CALIFORNIA GIRLS!
115 EXT. CHICAGO MERCANTILE EXCHANGE 115
Giant old monolith.
116 INT. CHICAGO MERCANTILE EXCHANGE. TRADING ROOM 116
Traders are frantically buying and selling commodities.
117 INT. GALLERY 117
Ferris, Cameron and Sloane are sitting in the gallery
watching the proceedings.
SLOANE
Do you love me?
FERRIS
Do you love me?
SLOANE
I asked you first.
FERRIS
Yes. You?
SLOANE
Yes.
FERRIS
Would I trash a day of education to
be with you if I didn't love you?
SLOANE
Yes.
FERRIS
Would I risk damaging a deep and
wonderfully enriching relationship
with my parents if I didn't love you?
SLOANE
Yes.
FERRIS
Would I have introduced you as my wife
if I didn't love you?
SLOANE
Wait a minute. That was a lie.
FERRIS
True.
Ferris puts his arm around Sloane.
FERRIS
Would you want to get married? I
mean if I wasn't an asshole.
SLOANE
Sure.
FERRIS
(serious)
Today?
Sloane stares at him. Is he serious.
FERRIS
I'm game.
SLOANE
No way!
FERRIS
I'll do it, if you will.
Cameron suddenly adds his two cents.
CAMERON
You need a blood test.
Ferris looks around at him.
FERRIS
Huh?
CAMERON
If your blood's not compatible,
you could produce a pinhead. The
state requires a blood test.
FERRIS
So?
CAMERON
So, you can't get married today.
FERRIS
Tomorrow?
CAMERON
If you get a blood test today.
SLOANE
I'm not getting married.
CAMERON
I'm with you, babe.
FERRIS
Why not?
SLOANE
What do you mean, why not? Think
about it.
FERRIS
Besides being too young and your
father hating my guts and not
having any place to live and feeling
awkward about being the only cheer-
leader with a husband, give me a
good reason why not.
CAMERON
I'll give you two. My mother and
father.
Ferris and Sloane look at him curiously.
CAMERON
They're married and they hate each other.
(to Ferris)
You've seen them. Am I right?
FERRIS
You're father's a toad and your
Mom's always wired out, but so what?
They're old. That's natural.
CAMERON
It makes me puke. Seeing people
treat each other like that. It's
like the car. He loves the car.
He hates his wife.
SLOANE
My parents are divorced. So what?
It's not like it doesn't happen
ten thousand times a day.
CAMERON
Just because it happens doesn't
make it right. Are you comfortable
with it?
SLOANE
No. It's not something I can get comfortable
with. I've tried. Are yours divorced?
CAMERON
They may as well be.
SLOANE
Do you think they're staying together
because of you?
Cameron hasn't seen it that way. He shrugs.
SLOANE
Do they like you?
It hasn't occured to Cameron that his parents might not like
him. That parental love might not be a given.
CAMERON
Yeah. Sure.
SLOANE
Consider this...my father canned me
and my brother and my Mom for a
twenty five year old dipso with fake
tits. He dropped us like a rock. Everything
was cool at our house. I thought so.
We all thought so. Then BLAM! It's over.
FERRIS
(to CAMERA)
This is all news to me. She keeps a
pretty good secret.
SLOANE
(to Cameron)
It was pure selfishness. When I have
a kid, I don't care how much I want
something, if it's gonna screw-up the
kid, forget it.
FERRIS
(to CAMERA)
She's not lying.
CAMERON
You could change.
SLOANE
Yeah. But I'm gonna try not to.
I'm gonna think about it. I'm
gonna try to prevent it.
FERRIS
This is optomism. It's a common
trait with my age group. Adults
think it's cute, it's like a charming
quick that infests youth. But it's
a cool thing and I think, deep down,
crusty old shits wish they had some.
They wish they had her, too.
(points to Sloane)
Sorry. She's taken.
CAMERON
I'd rather not have my family break
apart, thank you.
SLOANE
Well, you know what? It ain't up
to you. It's out of your hands.
CAMERON
So, I in other words, I should just
sit back and watch it crumble?
SLOANE
You're merely an inhabitant in their
universe.
FERRIS
Frightening choice of words.
SLOANE
They call the shots. When you split
from them, you call the shots.
CAMERON
So, you're saying I should run away?
FERRIS
No. She's saying it's time for lunch.
SLOANE
What?
FERRIS
Let's go feed Cameron.
They stand up and head out. Ferris hangs back a moment. He
cups his hands to his mouth. He yells at the top of his
voice.
FERRIS
BUY!
And he exits. Cool and casual.
118 INT. CHICAGO MERCANTILE EXCHANGE. TRADING FLOOR 118
It explodes with activity in response to Ferris' shout.
We HEAR A RADIO ANNOUNCER.
ANNOUNCER
Commodity prices rose sharply today
in unusually heavy trading...
119 EXT. RESTAURANT 119
A French restaurant on the Gold Coast. It's noon.
120 INT. RESTAURANT 120
Ferris, Sloane and Cameron are standing in the restaurant.
Ferris is looking at the maitre 'd's reservations book.
HIS POV
His fingers runs down to a party of three for 12:00.
INT. RESTAURANT
The maitre'd returns.
MAITRE'D
(to Ferris)
May I help you?
FERRIS
Yes. I'm Abe Frohman. Party of
three for 12:00.
The maitre'd looks at Ferris curiously.
FERRIS
Is there a problem?
MAITRE'D
You're Abe Frohman?
FERRIS
I'm Abe Frohman.
MAITRE'D
(chuckles)
I'm sorry, son. I'm very busy right
now. If you have trouble finding the
door...
Sloane tugs Ferris' sleeve. He ignores her.
FERRIS
Are you suggesting that I'm not
who I say I am?
MAITRE'D
Shall I call the police?
CAMERON
Let's go...Abe.
FERRIS
I'm not going anywhere.
(to the Maitre'd)
Call the police. Go ahead. Better
yet...
(grabs the phone)
...I'll call myself.
Cameron chokes. Sloane grits her teeth. The maitre'd smiles
smuggly.
CU. PHONE
Ferris punches out a number. A beat and the restaurant's
second line lights up and the phone rings.
INT. RESTAURANT
The maitre'd motions for the phone so that he can answer the
call. Ferris waves him off angrily.
FERRIS
You touch me and I yell "rat!"
There's another phone around here.
Find it.
The maitre'd backs off.
CAMERON
Ferris, let's split, please?
SLOANE
Cameron's right. We're gonna
get busted.
FERRIS
Not a chance in the world.
He hands the phone to Sloane.
FERRIS
Ask for Abe Frohman.
INT. RESTAURANT. LATER
Ferris, Sloane and Cameron are seated in the restaurant. The
maitre'd is hovering over Ferris.
MAITRE'D
I appreciate your understanding.
FERRIS
Don't grovel, Charles. Just leave
us to our repast and all will be
forgotten.
MAITRE'D
Enjoy your luncheon.
FERRIS
Thank you.
The maitre'd backs away. Ferris smiles. Sloane is impressed.
Cameron is flushed with nerves.
FERRIS
Darling, you were wonderful.
SLOANE
Oh, but I had a wonderful teacher.
FERRIS
Cameron, dear friend?
Cameron looks to Ferris.
FERRIS
And you thought we wouldn't have
any fun. Shame on you.
Ferris disappears behind his menu.
121 EXT. SCHOOL 121
We HEAR HALLWAY SOUNDS AND JEANIE.
JEANIE (VO)
Ferris Bueller's days are numbered.
122 INT. GIRL'S LOCKER ROOM 122
Jeanie's sitting on a bench in a field hockey uniform. She's
talking to a FRIEND.
JEANIE
(mean, vicious)
I'm gonna bust his buns.
FRIEND
Why? What's the point?
JEANIE
Why? Because I'm sick of the little
dope. He manipulates my parents, he
does whatever he wants, whenever he
wants and he never gets nailed.
(wicked pause)
Well, babe, today I'm the hammer.
She yanks angrily on the velcro strap on her sneakers. The
straps rip off in her hand.
FRIEND
I think he's cute.
JEANIE
Sweetie, it's an established fact that
you have no taste. Ferris is not cute.
He's not charming. He's not nice. He's
not a wonderful person. He's an ignorant
mule and the sooner everybody in this
school comes to that realization the
better off we'll all be.
She displays the velcro straps to her friend.
JEANIE
See? My brother strokes you, you
sympathize with him, I get pissed
off and this is what happens!
Jeanie tosses the straps on the floor.
JEANIE
Let me tell you something. I study
hard, I work hard, I'm polite, I'm
considerate, I'm friendly and fair
to all kinds of people. Except
morons. I try to be everything a
good, decent person should be and
you know what?
FRIEND
Everybody thinks you're an asshole.
Jeanie freezes with her next sentence pinned to her tongue.
JEANIE
Excuse me?
FRIEND
I don't think you're an asshole.
JEANIE
Who does?
Her friend smiles sheepishly.
JEANIE
Rachel?
Jeanie's friend shrugs, wags her head, does everything but
verbally confirm.
JEANIE
Rachel's a dirt bag. Who else?
FRIEND
I don't know. Just forget it.
JEANIE
Forget that everybody thinks I'm an
asshole? Would you like everybody to
think you're an asshole?
FRIEND
Not everybody thinks you're an
asshole. Mr. Rooney likes you.
JEANIE
Oh, hey. That's exciting. A fat
fifty year old clod with B.O.
likes me.
Jeanie shakes her head in disbelief.
JEANIE
Would everybody be happier if
maybe I were to die in a flaming
car accident or something?
FRIEND
Maybe if you didn't cat like and
asshole...
JEANIE
Am I acting like an asshole?
FRIEND
I didn't mean it that way.
JEANIE
I this a conspiracy to shit all
over me or something? Is my brother
behind this? Tell me if he is or I'll
sock your tits.
FRIEND
You really do have a problem, Jeanie.
JEANIE
Me? I have a problem?
FRIEND
Somebody who threatens to sock people's
tits has a problem.
JEANIE
Alright. How about if I sock your
face?
Jeanie's friend gets up.
FRIEND
Take a walk, Jeanie.
Her friend exits.
JEANIE
(yells after her)
If it means anything to you, I
have my period! MY BODY'S RIDDING
ITSELF OF OLD EGGS, GODDAMN IT!
She snarls and slumps against the lockers.
JEANIE
He's gone. He's over. He's monkey meat.
123 INT. MEN'S ROOM. CHEZ PAUL 123
Ferris is standing at the urinal.
FERRIS
She's a person who views life as
an ordeal that must be endured. Her
body is a transport vehicle for her
anger. I don't know where she gets
this shit. Basically, the family's
pretty cool.
He looks down at the urinal.
FERRIS
I wonder if everybody shoots at
cigarette butts in urinals? Probably
not many women.
(continues)
I used to think that my family was
the only one that had weirdness
in it. It used to worry me. Then I
met Cameron and I saw how his
family functioned.
He zips this trousers and steps away from the urinal.
FERRIS
Cameron's home life is really shit.
He wasn't lying. That's why he's sick
all the time. It really upsets him.
What he said about his parents hating
each other? I refuse to sleep over at
his house. His parents fight all the
time. Even when I'm there. Is there
anything worse than being at somebody's
house when their parents are fighting?
It's the absolute height of social
discomfort.
He checks his hair in the mirror.
FERRIS
When they go after each other, Cameron
tightens up. It's scary. He gets so
wadded-up, you couldn't pry his buns
apart with a crowbar. The thing with
taking his old man's car? It's good
for him. It teaches him to deal with
his fear. Plus, and I must
be honest here, I love driving it.
I highly recommend picking one up.
He exists the men's room. We hold a beat. A toilet flushes.
Another beat and Tom walks out of the stall. He crosses to
the sink.
124 INT. RESTAURANT 124
Cameron and Sloane have been served their lunches. They're
staring at the plates.
CAMERON
What is it?
SLOANE
I don't know. But it looks like
it's already been eaten and digested.
CAMERON
I knew it was a mistake letting
Ferris order for us.
Ferris slides over to the table and drops into his seat.
FERRIS
What are you doing?
Cameron looks at Ferris.
CAMERON
What is this shit?
FERRIS
You got me. I don't speak French.
He puts his napkin in his lap and smells his plate.
FERRIS
I think it's a land-based beefoid
creature.
He takes a bite. He savors the taste.
FERRIS
Splendid.
CAMERON
Really?
FERRIS
Superb.
Cameron and Sloane try theirs. They chew tentatively.
FERRIS
Good?
Sloane and Cameron shrug. It's not bad. A WAITER passes.
Ferris stops him.
FERRIS
Yo, Clouseau!
The waiter stops and looks at Ferris indignantly.
FERRIS
I have a growth on my brain that
causes memory lapses. Could you
tell me what we ordered here?
The waiter glances at the plates.
WAITER
Sweetbreads.
FERRIS
Uh, huh. And what might that be?
WAITER
Pancreas.
FERRIS
As in the gland that has important
functions in digestion and metabolism?
CU. SLOANE AND CAMERON
They stop chewing. They're holding their sweetbreads in their
mouths.
CU. FERRIS
He continues his questioning.
FERRIS
...That secretes a thick, colorless fluid
containing digestive enzymes? The home
of the world famous isles of Langerhans?
CU. WAITER
He nods broadly, knowing that he's spoiling the kids' meal.
CU. SLOANE AND CAMERON
They look at each other.
CU. FERRIS
He pats his mouth with his napkin. He looks to Cameron and
Sloane. He raises a finger, holds it a beat and gives a cue.
CU. WAITER
He turns away as Sloane and Cameron spit out their food.
CU. FERRIS
He watches Sloane and Cameron then glances at the waiter.
FERRIS
Check, please!
125 EXT. RESTAURANT 125
Tom and his two GUESTS are standing at the curb, talking. A
cab is waiting. The door's open. In the B.G. Ferris, Sloane
and Cameron come out of the restaurant. They approach the
cab. Tom's back it to Ferris. Ferris stops cold.
FERRIS, SLOANE, CAMERON
They turns on cue at Tom, now in the B.G., turns toward the
restaurant.
FERRIS
40,000 restaurants in the downtown
area and I pick the one my father
goes to.
CAMERON
We're gonna get nabbed, for sure.
FERRIS
No way, Cameron. Only the meek
get nabbed. The bold survive.
Let's go.
He turns to the cab. Sloane and Cameron turn slowly.
EXT. STREET. CAB
Tom and his party are still jawing at curbside. Ferris,
Sloane and Cameron slowly approach the cab. Behind the backs
of the men, Ferris scoots Sloane into the cab. Cameron
dashes in. The Ferris hops the cab.
INT. CAB
Ferris slams the door.
CU. CAB DOOR HANDLE
A man's hand reaches for the handle as the cab pulls away.
EXT. RESTAURANT
Tom and his guests watch in bewilderment at their cab takes
off. MUSIC COMES UP.
126 EXT. MUSEUM OR SCIENCE AND INDUSTRY 126
The grand old Chicago museum.
127 INT. MUSEUM. OVERHEAD SHOT 127
The main gallery is crowded with school kids.
INT. MUSEUM. FLOOR
A class of kids walking along holding hands. Among the
second graders are Ferris, Sloane and Cameron, holding hands
looking like giant grade schoolers.
INT. MUSEUM. DISPLAY CASE
Baby chicks are hatching in a huge, round incubator. Sloane,
Ferris and Cameron are intently watching the process.
INT. MUSEUM. COAL MINE
Sloane, Ferris and Cameron ride in the coal train in the
coal mine replica. Ferris and Sloane are making out.
INT. MUSEUM. INDUSTRIAL DISPLAY
Sloane operates a metal press to produce a tin ashtray.
INT. MUSEUM. HEART REPLICA
A giant, walk-thru replica of a human heart. Ferris staggers
out of it, clutching his heart, feigning a massive heart
attack.
INT. GERMAN U-BOAT
Ferris is examining the controls of the captured U-Boat. He
checks to see if he's being watched then he presses a button
and pulls a lever.
CU. PROPELLER
For the first time in forty years, the screw turns.
CU. HUMAN FETUS IN A BOTTLE
The famous stages of life display which features bottled
fetuses. The ninth month. A tiny human being in a jar.
CU. SLOANE, FERRIS, CAMERON
Sloane wants to cry. Cameron's stomach is in his throat.
Ferris is lost in thought. The MUSIC ENDS.
SLOANE
(remorsefully)
I wonder if he has a name?
FERRIS
(blank)
Ninth Month.
128 EXT. CHICAGO RIVER. LONG, HIGH SHOT 128
From the Merchandise Mart, looking down the fetid, green
swath of water. A boat is rolling up the man-made canyon.
CAMERON (VO)
Are you guys worried about nuclear war?
FERRIS (VO)
Cameron, it's a beautiful day, we've
won our freedom, we're traveling down
one of American's most scenic polluted
waterways and you have to bring up
nuclear war?
SLOANE (VO)
It is kind of raggy subject, Cam.
CAMERON (VO)
Regardless. It's with us every day.
The possiblity of global destruction.
SLOANE (VO)
Don't you think it's an issue because
people need something to worry about?
They have to like, have some major
problem that puts all their little
bullshit into some kind of persepective?
CAMERON (VO)
Maybe.
FERRIS
They used to have Viet Nam. They
used to have the oil crisis stuff
and Iran. That's over and people
have to have their big issue. It's
not like somebody came up with the
nuclear holocaust yesterday at
noon, you know.
SLOANE (VO)
To answer your question...No, I'm not
worried about it at all.
FERRIS (VO)
We don't know when the bombs going
off. We do know, however, that college
starts in the fall.
CAMERON (VO)
(dramatic, deadly serious)
Do you know what a nuclear winter is?
Long beat.
SLOANE (VO)
Yeah. Everybody's dead, it's real
cold and the skiing's for shit.
The boat makes the turn in the river and CLEARS FRAME.
EXT. BOAT DOCK
The three are sitting on the aft deck of the tour boat.
Their feet are up on the railing. Very casual, very relaxed.
Discussing the end of the world.
SLOANE
My step-father's always going off about
how when he was young he was committed to
all these causes.
FERRIS
He's full of shit. All the old hippies
are full of shit.
SLOANE
He says I don't care about things like
he did.
FERRIS
What's he care about now?
SLOANE
Baldness, fatty meats and money.
FERRIS
I rest my case.
CAMERON
What's spooky is they still control
everything. They took over when they
were young and they never gave it up.
FERRIS
One of the most frightening experiences
of my young life has been observing
my parents and our neighbors playing
the Baby Boom Edition of Trivial Pursuits.
It's chilling to see people crazed with
the minutia of their past.
CAMERON
It's human nature to like what you had
better than what you have.
SLOANE
Agreed.
A loud speaker on the boat identifies a point of interest.
LOUDSPEAKER
TO YOUR LEFT IT THE WORLD'S TALLEST
BUILDING...
The three look to the left.
LOUDSPEAKER, FERRIS,
SLOANE, CAMERON
The Sears Tower.
CAMERON
You know, this is all very interesting
but I'm starving.
FERRIS
An hour ago you wanted to yack.
CAMERON
I feel better now.
FERRIS
Lean over and grab a fish.
Cameron looks over the side of the boat. An obtuse thought
flashes through Sloane's brain.
SLOANE
What comes after a nuclear winter?
FERRIS
Nuclear spring.
129 EXT. SCHOOL 129
Meanwhile...
130 INT. HALLWAY OUTSIDE THE DEAN'S OFFICE 130
Jeanie is having a small moral debate with herself.
JEANIE
It's reprehensible to squeal on
your own flesh and blood...but it's
for his own good. His cavalier
attitude will get him into trouble
later in life...and it'll continue
to piss me off and I'll get so
wadded-up that it'll cause cervex cancer
and he'll ruin my life. Screw him.
She slips into the Dean's outer office.
131 INT. DEAN'S OUTER OFFICE 131
Rooney's secretary is behind her desk. Jeanie walks in. The
secretary looks up and greets her with a weary smile.
SECRETARY
Hello, Jeanie. Who's bothering
you now?
Jeanie scowls at her.
JEANIE
Is Dean Rooney in?
SECRETARY
I'm sorry, he's out. Can I help you?
JEANIE